Ode to a Trash Menace
Dear Litterbug,It has come to my attention that some people are growing increasingly upset at the amount of trash scattered along the ground at your hands. This is absurd. There are only a few hundred pieces of garbage. Certainly not enough for one to notice without keeping his or her eyes open. If people are worried about the growing waste, they should just walk around with their eyes shut. Problem solved. All this complaining nonsense is getting out of control. They need to understand that you cannot help throwing your cup on the ground once you are finished drinking its contents. The trash can is one hundred inconvenient feet away and it would be a complete waste of time to saunter all the way over there to dispose of an empty Starbucks cup. So, you can just drop it.
At the table, ketchup is splattered; french-fries line the floor; the chocolate frosting from your cake is encrusted on the napkin dispenser; your receipt is lying there, ridiculing whoever takes on the task of tidying up this monstrosity. The lazy service people you see cleaning up your debris are just doing their job. They get paid to clean up necessary messes. You are the main priority.
I know you hear the stories on the news about how waste is contaminating the ocean and killing millions of oceanic animals and infecting our drinking water, but it is not a big deal; you can drop that straw wrapper on the ground. The newscasters are not speaking directly to you. That only applies to the other three hundred million people in America. You do not live by the ocean anyway. The water cannot possibly be harmed by your trash.
Maybe you could think of more creative ways of conveniently tossing your old candy wrapper on the ground. You could leave a trail of trash to wherever you are headed so that the person stepping on all the gum, and paper, and waste can find you and thank you for the service you are doing the city. You could try to throw the garbage as far as you can. It could be a competition among your friends. They are probably inconveniently throwing their unwanted materials away though, so they are ruining the fun. See a young child running by? Just throw the garbage at him. It could be a game: throw used, unwanted specimens at targets. Elderly people and children can be the targets of course, since they are less likely to throw back and easier to hit. Then once the children are old enough, they can join too. That way the youth of the country will pick up on the impeccable manners of new Americans like you.
Better yet, let’s just throw all garbage on the ground: napkins, old food, hazardous material, anything. That way the government can save money on trash cans because there will be no use for them. The garbage men will be out of jobs, but they can always find new ones in this grand economy of ours. The ground will be coated with apple cores, pizza boxes, and used Gatorade bottles. It will provide the perfect cushion for people’s feet. Maybe it will even help with arthritis!
Litterbug, the world is your oyster. The littering laws do not apply to you because you are above the law. But watch your step; I wouldn’t want you to trip on your insincerity.
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